Hurt

There are days when my relationship with one (or both) of my kids is less than ideal.

There are days when my relationship with one (or both) of my kids is bad.

Then, there are days when my relationship with one (or both) of my kids fills me with shame.

Today is one of those days.

I promise. I promise I won’t do it again. And then days weeks months go by and suddenly the beast is there again. The beast gives no warning. The beast only acts.

I belittle.

I grab.

I hurt. I hurt them.

I feel powerless against their attitudes some days. And that lack of power makes me want nothing more than to FEEL  power. I want to HAVE power.

So, I belittle.

I grab.

I spank.

I hurt. I hurt them.

Then I cry. I run and cry and let the beast out on myself.

Then I apologize. And promise to never do it again.

We cry together.

And then I tell them that I love them. Although I’m sure they don’t understand how someone who loves them can act that way.

So I cry. And wonder when the hurting will stop.